This past weekend [Saturday, May 2 2015] I had the most
fortunate opportunity to take part in a one day workshop on non-violent
communication (NVC) as created by recently deceased, Marshall Rosenberg (1934-
2015). NVC is sometimes referred to as
Compassionate Communication or Empathic Communication. NVC is a communication
process that helps people to exchange the information necessary to resolve
conflicts and differences peacefully. NVC aims to
find a way for all present to get what really matters to them without the use
of guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion, or threats. It is also useful tool for
connecting with others, and living in a way that is conscious, present, and
attuned to the genuine, living needs of oneself and others.
I have been following Marshall ’s
work of NVC over the past few years, taking workshops and practicing in small
groups and one- on- one. To date, I have yet to discover a more effective
communication process that builds such an awareness and understanding of self
and other; not to mention its use in peacefully resolving seemingly un
rectifiable differences.
When I was first introduced to NVC,
I was taught a simple method for clear, empathic communication, consisting of 4
steps- observation, feelings, needs, requests. At first, speaking in
“I” terms and using the 4 step formula as outlined, seems a bit awkward and
contrived, like most times when learning a new language skill. However, with
time, the practice of speaking with non-violence comes with less awkwardness,
when there is a genuine effort to listen and get to know the other person’s
needs and feelings. An example of how to practice non-violent communication might
sound like this: “When you (observation),
I feel (feeling) because I’m needing (need).” A request might sound
something like this: “Are you/we able to…?”
Or, the request might be what’s referred to in NVC as, a connection
request. A connection request goes something like this: “How does this feel for you.., or, “how does what I just said feel for you..?
Another facet of NVC is that it
offers support for how to respond/give feedback when listening to someone else
speak, in order to more fully understand what that person is really saying. For
example, “What I’m hearing you say is...,
or, what it sounds like to me you are
feeling/needing is…, is this accurate? Often times, we automatically want
to jump in and fix the problem or offer advice. Most times people just want to
be heard, and have the opportunity to express to another human being how they
are feeling without being given advice. According to author, David B. Wolf, each and every one of us
has the answers we need to problem solve on own. What is helpful for coming to
such realizations is effective feedback that comes from empathic
listening. (Relationships that Work: The
Power of Conscious Living)
What is
amazing about all of this, is that this formula for communication is just a
guideline. Speaking with facilitators this past weekend, I discovered that even
after years of teaching NVC, facilitators still observed times when it felt
awkward to speak in these terms, and how others experienced the same
phenomenon. My initial motive for attending this workshop was to take this
opportunity to drill this formula into my head so that I could get over my fear
of sounding awkward, so words and intention could flow naturally. I really
believe in this work! I guess this is the perfectionist side of me coming out!
But instead, I received something much more valuable this time around.
Here are 10 valuable lessons I learned this weekend that I
will carry with me.
1) The most important
part of this work is where my heart is at any given moment!
If we are able to inquire, and provide feedback this is
empathy, rather than giving advice from our own experience. And the great part
is, I can do this with any kind of words!
2) Level ground
benefits both of us.
3) See the humanness
in all! All humans share the same needs, whether we see this person as an
adversary or friend.
4) It is more
important to make an empathic connection than to get my way! Because if I
look closer, I see that it is more about being heard in regards to needs and
feeling, rather than problem solving right away. This goes for my needs and
feelings as well as for the other. When the means, in this case,
connection/empathy is made, the end (getting my way) changes and I see that
maybe its not actually about the tangible end but maybe there is something
deeper, underlying, that’s in the process of being revealed.
5) Process is more
important than outcome.
6) Empathy before
Education. It is far more effective to listen to another with empathy
rather than trying to school them on what you see happening or what they should
do about it.
7) Empathy Inquires,
Sympathy Assumes
8) Be Transparent
9) When I am most in
need of support, I am the least able to ask for it. The practice of NVC is
so effective because it provides a clear language for truth speaking. It
provides the platform for expression of feelings and communication of needs.
The more I practise asking for what I need, the more likely I will be to ask
for it when I need it most!
10) Words are windows
or walls, they sentence us or set us free. -–Ruth Bebermeyer”
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